Now, wait a minute, I don’t need to be medicated. I speak of these accusatory voices reminding me of, incidents for that day not resolved, things I should’ve done but instead stupidly decided to do something else. They read me a long list of reasons why everything I did over the last 24 hours was useless and the real work begins tomorrow. Only thing is, they tell me the same thing every night. Maybe you hear them too; voices, taunting and telling you that you are absolutely making no progress. Your venture sucks. No one will read or listen or buy whatever it is you’re selling, saying or even giving away.
They send their cousins over to greet me in the morning before I get the sleep out of my eyes, before I’ve had my tea. They remind me that I am out of my league, off my rocker and hey didn’t my cousins warn you last night you are useless at this? Why do you even keep at it?
When I first decided I was going to be a published author I have to admit, my naiveté boarded that of my nine-year-old. This is how it was supposed to happen: I would sit hunched over my computer for hours every day, sipping coffee or lattes or whatever it is that real artists drink. And when I emerged to show the world my fiction master piece, some editor would sit up all night reading, so enthralled she’d be with my work. (Seriously, I heard this happened with Mary Higgins Clark.) So, we know it is possible but not probable and probably didn’t happen with me because it took my editor months to get back to me.
Anyway, none of that happened at least not that way. Nope. I went something like this: I stood at my computer for a few hours at my night job writing this novel. At home I didn’t have time to put pen to anything except to sign the check for the bill collectors. It took me a year to write and I collected rejection slips like baseball cards. It was all I could do to keep from giving up altogether and I would’ve taken up drinking but I ‘m really not a fan. My hubby told me to get a real job and then he rattled off the someday speech. My kids forgot that I was even writing anything.
So, here I am months later and it’s going to be published next month. And the voices, like out of nowhere (kinda like how maggots seem to mysteriously grow out of rotting meat) assaulting and accusatory telling me what I failure I am, before I have even failed.
What I have noticed is that negative thoughts don’t just go away because they are ignored, no more than a fly would that is sitting on your nose. Just doesn’t happen. Negative thoughts are conquered through positive words, godly words. These words change your thoughts and your thoughts change your actions and attitude.
So, with that in mind, this is how it’s gonna go down. I speak to those voices: Your entire clan will back off. You have no idea who I am. You don’t own or control me. My God is bigger than you. My will is stronger than yours. My authority is greater than yours. I am not, and never will I be a failure, no matter what happens from here on out. I am walking in my gift and calling. I have studied my art and prayed and worked my….butt off. So. There it is.